It Hurts to be Horizontal

Witty (or possibly lame) banter between two friends.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Par-TAY!

Here's the low-down on the up-side homey...

The party was fun. Nick and I got their at 4 p.m. with Jason who was freaking out because, as per usual, Eric was being a dork and not taking this seriously at all, while Jason was taking it TOOO seriously.

Soon after we arrived, Dan showed up. Dan's a great guy but he always looks perpetually stoned.

Dan and Eric got into playing guitar and Jason tried to figure out all the A/V stuff that was going to go along with the tunes.

Nick and I just tried to stay out of their way - but it was good for Nick to see some guitar playing upclose and personal.

People started arriving around 5:30ish and the party kicked into gear. Robin, Jason's Wife, made Mojito's and Lemon Drops.

At this point, though, Jason and Eric and Dan were huddled downstairs rocking out and, well, arguing. Eric came upstairs and swore to never work with Jason again but...then went back downstairs and practiced some more.

The rest of the party arrived and the beer and mojitos and Lemon Drops were flying out the door.

I had three beers all by 6 pm.

Miriam and Michelle showed up last about 7:45 after a couple HOT former cheerleaders from the class of '85 showed up.

At 8:20 we started the entertainment with a story from a guest writer and then we showed the tribute to "Grand Cinemas Alderwood" video - very touching - I almost cried.

After that Jason and I read pieces of notes that we had kept since High School. Both equally depressing and fascinating.

Jason read a story and then it came time for the "Fifi" Reunion where they sang the "Paul's Basement" Song and I came out in a shirt too small (Eurythmics - Bumbershoot, '83? '84?) and a cowbell.

At 10 we left and everyone started Karaoke-ing. That went on for hours.

It was a lot of fun.

Tell Me About the Party...

How was the party Saturday night? Did you drink a lot? Did you get lucky? Was there drunken debauchery? I hope so - and if there was I'm sorry I missed it. I could go for some debauchery....

Friday, July 28, 2006

High Collars

My Ass... I'm showing my hoo haws whenever I can... I just make sure they are well supported. I find after losing 41 pounds and the breast reduction - they just don't stay where they used to and they need a little more support sometimes. I'm all for showing them off.

You forget that it is quite a bit warmer here so I don't have to wear as many clothes, heh heh heh.

Breastessss

In short: Yes, they were nice. Very nice. And, no, I don't think Miriam knew what I was doing (I probably would have been smacked).

And I'm really not a breast guy anyway. I'm more of a butt man but if you asked me to put a percentage on it, I'd say 60-40 or maybe 55-45 with buttocks a slight advantage after coming back in the fourth quarter.

Funny thing, I'm really not a BIG boob fan. More than a mouthful's a waste anyway (right "breast reduction Jen?") and I feel terrible for women with HUGE glands that have to hold them around all day like two large VW Bugs attached to one's chest.

Granted, I've heard Jen talk about her back problems, and overall soreness and I can tell her how I feel for her - but like pregnancy - there ain't no f'n way I'm going to REALLY know how it feels.

Okay. Lets talk about cleavage. Jen is a very shy person who doesn't wear clothing (often) that accentuates her breasts. Everything is high collar or conservative and I resepect that. And I understand she doesn't people talking to her chest when they should be talking to her face.

But you gotta believe, just GOTTA know that when a woman wears a shirt with her "girls" out there that men are going to talk to the nipples. Right? Not that that gives me the right to oogle and stare and stumble over my words but...

Today on the news, on "Babytalk" magazine, they had the audacious GALL to have a photo of a child breast feeding. No nipple showing. No areola. Just a beautiful breast and a beautiful baby - and people are complaining. Someone said it was "gross."

I know I should heed my own advice but, c'mon people, grow up!

oye

I'm tired.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

You're Not A Pathetic Bad Man...

You're just a man. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be a man (no estrogen to make the hormones go crazy). No crazy emotions - less rationalization of things.... Just thinking with your body as opposed to your brain.

Were her breast nice looking? Did Miriam figure out what you were doing?

I miss you man... But hopefully I'll get to see you next week when I'm home. Maybe you can draw me a picture of what her breasts looked like.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I'm a bad man...

Okay, Friday night we go out to the Aquasox game. For those of you who DON’T know, the Aquasox are a “Single A – Short Season” baseball team mostly made up of hottie 17 & 18 year old boys who hope to make it to the “bigs” someday. But, for now, they put up with the indignities of playing to 3,000 people in Everett. Still, beats shuffling paper for a living.

So we’re there for Miriam’s birthday and my father-in-law’s birthday/father’s day present. The weather is beautiful, the game is going well (we lost). There’s free hats! And we’re RIGHT BEHIND HOME PLATE in seats that cost a whopping $13.

We’re enjoying the game and sitting to my left are two women. One is reading a manual on how to use a new cash register and the other gal is paying bills. Now, I’m a thong/butt man like most men. But the woman paying bills is REALLY large and every time she stands up to cheer, you see the red cord of her thong and the little triangle thingy. It just looked, well, odd.

Anyway – by the 7th inning they had paid their bills and studied their manual and off they went to home.

Now there’s 3 seats between me and the next group of people on my left. Two women, a guy and a little boy. The boy is cute, not even two yet, but walking back and forth between us and his parents.

Well, I soon notice that the woman sitting the closest to us, is wearing a loose fitting shirt and she’s a bit attractive and I wonder to myself: “If she bends down and picks up this child, will I be able to see her breasts?” To achieve this theory, I decide to start interacting with the child.

Again, he’s a cute little kid and these parents are all happy that I’m playing with the kid and Miriam thinks I’m being cute and she’s interacting with the boy. Well, lo and behold, her comes “Mom” and she bends down to get the boy and VIOLA! Two huge mounds of breast become very clear to me. Granted, I’m not seeing the ENTIRE breast as she IS wearing a bra. But I’m seeing 85% of boobage.

So for the next half hour, I keep interacting with the kid MOSTLY so the mother comes down and picks him and takes him back to his seat – only to have him come back down and interact with me – in my hopes that she’ll come back and bend over and pick him up and take him back to the seat with her.

All in all, I got, probably, 7 or 8 full on breast moments.

I’m a pathetic bad man.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I realize that last post...

Sounds really funny (regarding the party).... My brain has officially left my body and I'm on auto pilot. I hope your brain is faring better.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Hopefully...

The meal was worth 85 bucks. Only a week and I'll be home! Give me updates on the party on Friday (yes, I did remember that I'm not going to be there).

Friday off....

Monday. Hey, it's a Monday.

Heavy Sigh

My wife's birthday on Friday. We went to the Aquasox Baseball Game up in Everett. We lost, but... We only lost by 1 run, there was a fight during the game, the ladies sitting next to me (one paying bills and the other reading a manual on a cash register left early). At the 7th inning all hotdogs were now a $ - can't beat that!

Game got over with by 9:30 and there were fireworks AND we got free baseball caps.

All-in-all, we had a grand time.

Yesterday we all went out to "Olive Garden" for Miriam's birthday dinner. I told the hostess that we were celebrating TWO birthdays - hoping that, at least, one of the desserts would be complimentary but, NOOOOOOO. I guess when you say it's "their birthday" that translates to: Put candles in 'em and let 'em blow 'em out. Total bill: $85 Yikes!

Later...

Matt Must Be On Hiatus..

Sort of like Jake in Progress (staring John Stamos). Maybe he's gone in for some elective cosmetic surgery and something went horribly wrong... hmm. the speculation starts!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Personally

I have never had sympathy sex with anyone... I did offer to have sympathy sex with a former camper if he hadn't lost his virginity by the time he was 25... But luckily he did and I didn't have to.

I think your friend would be a good candidate for sympathy sex... But not from me... Now if I were a porn star that would be a different story... But I'm not (yet) and I won't (have sympathy sex). Anyway, I live in Chicago... Maybe someone closer to home could have sympathy sex with him???


And yes, maybe you should have pretended to be "special" when you were younger.

Sympathy Sex?

Question: Have you ever had sympathy sex?

The last two films I've watched had characters who were "special" - IQ's of 20 or something who are hit on by very attractive women. One even saying: "You want to have sex with me, don't you?"

So now I'm wondering. Have you ever had sympathy sex? Where maybe the guy was an idiot and you said to yourself: "Wow, he can't make a coherent sentence and kinda drools on himself. I think I'll f**k him."

Which makes me wonder if I should've just pretended to be retarded and if that would have gotten me some trim.

As it stands, I have a sweet, wonderful, fully haired, in shape, intelligent 43 year old virgin friend who can't seem to get laid - not like he's looking anyway. But still. Does that classify as sympathy sex or does it just sound creepy.

Well? Have you - or your "friends."

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Donde Esta Matt?

I miss him...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Don't worry...

We can just delete that post.. It's hot here. I'm sweating like a pig on a spit and my shoulder still hurts... At least my cramps are gone! That's good news. Today I think it's supposed to only be in the 80's but humid...

Give me some witty banter Matt... when you get a chance.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Dang it!

Once again, the blog that I meant to go to my OTHER blog, went here.

Good thing I saved it.

Sorry Jen.

Taking up valuable blog space.

Matt

Monday morning PMS

So this morning I am very hot and sweaty. I think this might be what a hot flash feels like... Matt, I realized that I said I wanted to read your screenplay and I did read the first few pages but then I stopped. I'm sorry - I hope you got some good feedback on it.

I didn't reply to anymore of the responses I got to my ad. I may in the future - but you know me... I'm just a big old chicken at heart. All talk and no action.

It's hot, I better hose myself down and get moving.
xoxo

Friday, July 14, 2006

What the hey!

Why not explore. Yeah, you might find some crazies - but isn't that what life is all about? Getting to know people, exploring your world, talking up sports, getting drunk?

I gues you could try places like eharmony.com - but who wants the fun of legit organizations.

I think you remember this story... On KISW years ago the morning team had a goldfish called "Goldie" - it was their goal to see if the fish could get a credit card like some animals around the US were getting. For FUN I decided to put an ad in the "Stranger" for Goldie to come join in her "tub of fun."

At this time the morning team was relatively new (maybe two years or so in the Seattle market) and they had never heard about "The Stranger." So I called them up and asked if they had gotten any response.

Yes, 57 people had called "Goldie's" message line. They tried to get one of them on the phone - but they wouldn't talk. It ended up being a bust but "The Stranger" got a TON of free publicity which, I think, enabled them to move to a bigger size paper and pull in more readers.

Since that time I've wanted to put in an ad that says:

Woman wants safe sex. Call me.

Just to see HOW MANY reponses I would get. Nothing about age, looks, orafices, etc. And just see. Probably lots and lots.

Turn this into art, Jen. I know you can do it.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Hello People!

so, I tried a little experiment.... I posted an ad on Craigslist and I've gotten some interesting responses back.... a few indecent pictures and some interesting propositions. My question to y'all out there - Do you think it's alright to meet people this way? I don't want to find me a psycho killer!!! I have emailed only two people back who sounded fairly normal (one guy said he had nice teeth and he used to work at the food network and another who is a professional guy who likes to drink wine and read... hmmm). I'm not big on wine or reading...

There's a lot of guys out there who claim to be orally gifted - which could be a good thing, but is that something you want to admit when you don't even know who you're dealing with?

Word to you mother!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Sick...

I've been sick all weekend and both Monday and Tuesday. Hopefully I will be well soon.

More info later - when I feel better.

Hack hack, cough cough.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Howdy!

Well the end of the weekend is here... It's hotter than a dog on fire, I have no hot water in my apartment and I feel like a cow. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

Friday, July 07, 2006

STOP!

YOU'RE MAKING MY BRAIN HURT!

Fun with numbers....

A friend of mine once said that if you put a checker on the first space on a checkerboard and doubled it, and kept this up, by the time you got to the last space, you would not have enough checkers in the world to place on that space. I thought I would find out. Here's what I found out:

A Checkerboard has 64 spaces.

So:

1: 1
2: 2
3: 4
4: 8
5: 16
6: 32
7: 64
8: 128
9: 256
10: 512
11: 1,024
12: 2,048
13: 4,096
14: 8,192
15: 16,384
16: 32,768
17: 65,536
18: 131,072
19: 262,144
20: 524,288
21: 1,048,576 (million)
22: 2,097,152
23: 4,194,304
24: 8,388,608
25: 16,777,216
26: 33,554,432
27: 67,108,864
28: 134,217,728
29: 268,435,456
30: 536,870,912
31: 1,073,741,824 (billion)
32: 2,147,483,648
33: 4,294,967,296
34: 8,589,934,592
35: 17,179,869,184
36: 34,359,738,368
37: 68,719,476,739
38: 137,438,953,472
39: 274,877,906,944
40: 549,755,813,888
41: 1,099,511,627,776 (trillion)
42: 2,199,023,255,552
43: 4,398,046,511,104
44: 8,796,093,022,208
45: 17,592,186,044,416
46: 35,184,372,088,832
47: 70,368,744,177,664
48: 140,737,488,355,328
49: 281,474,976,710,656
50: 562,949,953,421,312
51: 1,125,899,906,842,624 (quadrillion)
52: 2,251,799,813,685,248
53: 4,503,599,627,370,496
54: 9,007,199,254,740,992
55: 18,014,398,509,481,984
56: 36,028,797,018,963,968
57: 72,057,594,037,927,936
58: 144,115,188,075,855,872
59: 288,230,376,151,711,744
60: 576,460,752,303,423,488
61: 1,152,921,504,606,846,976 (quintillion)
62: 2,305,843,009,213,693,952
63: 4,611,686,018,427,387,904
64: 9,223,372,036,854,775,808

Now, here's the next question. If each space has that corresponding number, how many TOTAL checkers are on the board? Someone want to figure that out?

And if each checker is a half of an inch high, how high would the stack on the last square go?

If each checker is a half an ounce, how heavy much weight would the last square have to withstand?

Back to normal blogging soon.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

The First Time

I would drive by the place I first had sex but 1. I don't have a car 2. It was somewhere in San Francisco. Yes, I lost my virginity in San Francisco. I think there's a song written about that somewhere....

It's not weird that you can't drive by the place you lost your virginity and not think about it. I always think about losing my virginity when I hear the song "Don't You Forget About Me" by Simple Minds or talk about or see "The Breakfast Club" because that's the movie I saw the day I lost it. ON A SOFA IN SAN FRANCISCO! Isn't that romantic? Ah, the memories - using a spermicidal suppository I stole from my sister and nothing else.... I suppose I'm very lucky I haven't ever gotten knocked up. Not that I am careless, just - you know... I figure my eggs are getting to be few and far between so hey - If I happen to get a bun in my oven it might be a good thing. I could always sell it.

I redeemed my scratch ticket today and the lady gave me fifty bucks.. maybe I misread the ticket or I am very lucky. I guess I'll buy beer and get my eyebrows done! Things are looking up... Now if I could just get a little lovin'!

No sign of Coco...

She's gone, gone, gone... Miriam had a dream about her though, on July 3rd. That she was home, thin, an purring up a storm.

That would be nice, but I'll tell you there are some things I DO NOT miss about Coco.

1. She begged constantly during dinner. She sat in her own spot and would meow.

2. She scratched various items around the house.

3. She would spray every so often, usually when pissed about something.

4. She could NEVER EVER EVER leave me alone in the bathroom (where her food was). Every time I would shut the door she would scratch it - usually two minutes after I had sat down on the toilet. And not just scratch it but SCRATCH it to the point where you HAD to get up and stumble across the room with pants around your ankles to let her in.

5. Late night comings and goings. As the weather warms up, she'd go out and then want to come in and then go out and want to come in and then go... you get the picture.

So I miss some of her. Not all of her.

I drove by the place I first had sex the other night. I can't drive by it without thinking about it. Weird, isn't it?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I'm Glad...

Someone had a long weekend. I had to work on Monday and Tuesday... while we were out drawing yesterday a homeless person tried to assault one of my female students. That sucks.

Hey, only 25 days until I'm back in your arms again! Oops, did that slip out? Nothing is really happening between us folks. We're "just friends". Hey - did you read my post about finding the $30.00 winning Lottery scratch ticket? I think I might get my eyebrows waxed! Or I might buy a crap-load of beer... I'm probably better off with the eyebrows.

I've started to do some drawings from Google Earth. I'm finding different buildings and places that I've had sex and tracing their profiles and writing some text about the spots. I have to find my dorm at CWU! It is an exercise in memory... because it's been so long since I've gotten any... but I'm crossing my fingers and uncrossing my legs.... I might get lucky soon! (I'm only partially kidding about that last statement.)

Any sign of coco?

I'm back from vacation...

Thank GOD for long weekends.

But…

I’m swamped with stuff I need to get done. I recently finished a script and am trying to go through a quick re-write of it. Never a good idea to go fast on these things.

Spent the weekend camping and then spent yesterday and last night enjoying the 4th. Which means eating A LOT of crap and drinking A LOT of beer and spending money just to see it explode in an array of colors and sparks. OOOOOH, coooool.

I can’t see why you can be friends with exes. What’s to stop you? I guess it all goes back to how the break-up happened. If you both agreed at a certain point that it wasn’t working then, well, it wasn’t working and you move on and you SHOULD be friends.

If one of you kicked the other to curb because they were, well, an asshole and then you broke up in a way that wasn’t very nice and someone felt cheated and stepped on, etc. Well, then, maybe you’d need a little space.

In high school I had this friend who was a girl and she was cool and all and we ended up making out a couple times and she gave me the book “The Prophet” by Kalil Gibran (or whatever). And we, well, uh, broke up or something. I don’t really recall. The next thing I know she’s hanging with this guy named Kiskaddon who was, really, a nerd and not nearly as attractive as me and I’m wondering: “What the fu…?” And then I later asked her: “What happened to us?” And she looked at me and, in all seriousness said: “I don’t know.”

So there. Could I be her friend? Probably.